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June 6, 2011

Warmed by the flames

It's been far too long since I had a nice flamewar. I think the last one, in fact, was about two years ago when a sister missionary I knew twenty-four years ago friended me on Facebook and then posted to my wall to say the F-word offended her and she knew I would stop using it and polluting her news feed with it. I didn't even have to respond. It was my wife and friends who did the dirty work for me. Nice to be able to get my hands a litle dirty again.

From: Random Person
To: Bill Shunn
Subject: Editing job

Mr. Shunn, I would like you to consider editing two 10,000 word stories of mine. I am attaching a sample to work on and resubmit to me so I can see the calibre of your work product - if you're interested in the job.

From: Bill Shunn
To: Random Person
Subject: Editing job

In other words, you want me to edit you for free? Fuck off. I'm deleting your email without looking at these files.

From: Random Person
To: Bill Shunn
Subject: Editing job

Hey Shunn, You are a piece of work. I sent 2 pages to see if you were literate or an just another asshole. I guess you answered that question.

From: Bill Shunn
To: Random Person
Subject: Editing job

I don't think you understand the nature of the insult you committed. Professionals do not audition for jobs of this sort. Professionals do not edit even two pages for free. Professionals do not entertain offers of work without an upfront discussion of what the client is willing to pay. Your email was obviously not targeted specifically at me but at a broad list, which only adds to the above insults. I fear it is you who have shown yourself to be ignorant and unprofessional -- an asshole, if you will. A couple of friends have suggested that my response to you was too kind. Next time, if you want a more cordial reception, you might personalize your proposal a little bit and make your offer of remuneration clear from the start. Now, kindly fuck off.

editing | email | flames | insults | writing

November 16, 2010

Mixed signals

So Laura and I met up after work down in Wicker Park, so we could each buy some jeans at the Levi's Store. Sadly, we left the store jeanless. (Well, I did still have on the ones I wore in.) I should have remembered this, but the Levi's Store only stocks sizes suitable for pipe-cleaner people, because of course there is no such thing as a tubby hipster.

The scales were somewhat balanced, though, by:

  • the man who crossed the street while Laura was waiting for me in front of the store to tell her how strikingly beautiful she was and how lucky her husband was.
  • the hostess at Piece Brewery and Pizzeria who carded us both.
  • the waitress who told me how cool my glasses were.
  • the drunk who apologetically addressed me as "young man" after not bumping into me (though he seemed convinced he had).
So all in all, last night was a push. And there was pizza and beer.

clothing | compliments | hipsters | insults | shopping

August 19, 2009

Barney, frank

Barney Frank is one of my favorite American politicians. He sounds like a Hanna-Barbera cartoon character but says things in that goofy voice that are more forthright than any other congressman I can think of. Who else would tell off a constituent like this with such obvious disgust?

health care | insults | politics

March 28, 2006

Since we've been busting on Kenny G here anyway...

Because poor Kenny G seems to come in for abuse in this blog from time to time, I thought it might be fun to revisit what I consider one of the greatest examples of musician-on-musician slagging in the history of jazz writing: guitar giant Pat Metheny putting the hurt on well-known sax-noodler Kenny "G" Gorelick.

The material below was many years ago deleted from the Pat Metheny Group web site. Pat himself posted it in response to a fairly innocent question in the fan forum there no later than 2000, and I'm glad I saved a copy because it somehow vanished within the year. I've added capitalization to the text since Pat didn't seem to want to bother with the shift-key. Despite the fact that the sentence-by-sentence writing here sometimes falters, Pat is clearly articulate on the topic of jazz and very passionate.

Full disclosure: I've been a rabid fan of Pat Metheny since at least age 15. And even though I cut my teeth on smooth jazz (my first album purchase having been Feels So Good by Chuck Mangione), I've never ever been able to stomach Kenny G's "music."

So over to Pat.


Question:
Pat, could you tell us your opinion about Kenny G -- it appears you were quoted as being less than enthusiastic about him and his music. I would say that most of the serious music listeners in the world would not find your opinion surprising or unlikely -- but you were vocal about it for the first time. You are generally supportive of other musicians it seems.
Pat's Answer:
Kenny G is not a musician I really had much of an opinion about at all until recently. There was not much about the way he played that interested me one way or the other either live or on records. I first heard him a number of years ago playing as a sideman with Jeff Lorber when they opened a concert for my band. My impression was that he was someone who had spent a fair amount of time listening to the more pop-oriented sax players of that time, like Grover Washington or David Sanborn, but was not really an advanced player, even in that style. He had major rhythmic problems and his harmonic and melodic vocabulary was extremely limited, mostly to pentatonic-based and blues-lick derived patterns, and he basically exhibited only a rudimentary understanding of how to function as a professional soloist in an ensemble -- Lorber was basically playing him off the bandstand in terms of actual music. But he did show a knack for connecting to the basest impulses of the large crowd by deploying his two or three most effective licks (holding long notes and playing fast runs -- never mind that there were lots of harmonic clams in them) at the key moments to elicit a powerful crowd reaction (over and over again) . The other main thing I noticed was that he also, as he does to this day, played horribly out of tune -- consistently sharp.

Of course, I am aware of what he has played since, the success it has had, and the controversy that has surrounded him among musicians and serious listeners. This controversy seems to be largely fueled by the fact that he sells an enormous amount of records while not being anywhere near a really great player in relation to the standards that have been set on his instrument over the past sixty or seventy years.

And honestly, there is no small amount of envy involved from musicians who see one of their fellow players doing so well financially, especially when so many of them who are far superior as improvisers and musicians in general have trouble just making a living. There must be hundreds, if not thousands of sax players around the world who are simply better improvising musicians than Kenny G on his chosen instruments. It would really surprise me if even he disagreed with that statement.

Having said that, it has gotten me to thinking lately why so many jazz musicians (myself included, given the right "bait" of a question, as i will explain later) and audiences have gone so far as to say that what he is playing is not even jazz at all.

Stepping back for a minute, if we examine the way he plays, especially if one can remove the actual improvising from the often mundane background environment that it is delivered in, we see that his saxophone style is in fact clearly in the tradition of the kind of playing that most reasonably objective listeners *would* normally quantify as being jazz. It's just that as jazz or even as music in a general sense, with these standards in mind, it is simply not up to the level of playing that we historically associate with professional improvising musicians. So, lately I have been advocating that we go ahead and just include it under the word jazz -- since pretty much of the rest of the world *outside* of the jazz community does anyway -- and let the chips fall where they may.

And after all, why he should be judged by any other standard, why he should be exempt from that that all other serious musicians on his instrument are judged by if they attempt to use their abilities in an improvisational context playing with a rhythm section as he does? He *should* be compared to John Coltrane or Wayne Shorter, for instance, on his abilities (or lack thereof) to play the soprano saxophone and his success (or lack thereof) at finding a way to deploy that instrument in an ensemble in order to accurately gauge his abilities and put them in the context of his instrument's legacy and potential.

As a composer of even eighth-note based music, he *should* be compared to Herbie Hancock, Horace Silver or, even, Grover Washington. Suffice it to say, on all above counts, at this point in his development, he wouldn't fare well.

But, like I said at the top, this relatively benign view was all (until recently). Not long ago, Kenny G put out a recording where he overdubbed himself on top of a 30+ year-old Louis Armstrong record, the track "What a Wonderful World." With this single move, Kenny G became one of the few people on earth I can say that I really can't use at all -- as a man, for his incredible arrogance to even consider such a thing, and as a musician, for presuming to share the stage with the single most important figure in our music.

This type of musical necrophilia -- the technique of overdubbing on the preexisting tracks of already dead performers -- was weird when Natalie Cole did it with her dad on "Unforgettable" a few years ago, but it was her dad. When Tony Bennett did it with Billie Holiday it was bizarre, but we are talking about two of the greatest singers of the 20th century who were on roughly the same level of artistic accomplishment. When Larry Coryell presumed to overdub himself on top of a Wes Montgomery track, I lost a lot of the respect that I ever had for him -- and I have to seriously question the fact that I did have respect for someone who could turn out to have have such unbelievably bad taste and be that disrespectful to one of my personal heroes.

But when Kenny G decided that it was appropriate for him to defile the music of the man who is probably the greatest jazz musician that has ever lived by spewing his lame-ass, jive, pseudo-bluesy, out-of-tune, noodling, wimped-out, fucked-up playing all over one of the great Louis's tracks (even one of his lesser ones), he did something that I would not have imagined possible. He, in one move, through his unbelievably pretentious and calloused musical decision to embark on this most cynical of musical paths, shit all over the graves of all the musicians past and present who have risked their lives by going out there on the road for years and years developing their own music inspired by the standards of grace that Louis Armstrong brought to every single note he played over an amazing lifetime as a musician. By disrespecting Louis, his legacy, and by default everyone who has ever tried to do something positive with improvised music and what it can be, Kenny G has created a new low point in modern culture -- something that we all should be totally embarrassed about -- and afraid of. We ignore this, let it slide, at our own peril.

His callous disregard for the larger issues of what this crass gesture implies is exacerbated by the fact that the only reason he possibly have for doing something this inherently wrong (on both human and musical terms) was for the record sales and the money it would bring.

Since that record came out -- in protest, as insignificant as it may be -- I encourage everyone to boycott Kenny G recordings, concerts and anything he is associated with. If asked about Kenny G, I will dis him and his music with the same passion that is in evidence in this little essay.

Normally, I feel that musicians all have a hard enough time, regardless of their level, just trying to play good and don't really benefit from public criticism, particularly from their fellow players. But this is different.

There *are* some things that are sacred -- and amongst any musician that has ever attempted to address jazz at even the most basic of levels, Louis Armstrong and his music is hallowed ground. To ignore this trespass is to agree that *nothing* any musician has attempted to do with their life in music has any intrinsic value -- and I refuse to do that. (I am also amazed that there *hasn't* already been an outcry against this among music critics -- where *are* they on this?????!?!?!?! -- magazines, etc.). Everything I said here is exactly the same as what I would say to Gorelick if I ever saw him in person. And if I ever *do* see him anywhere, at any function -- he *will* get a piece of my mind (and maybe a guitar wrapped around his head).

NOTE:  This post is partially in response to the comments that people have made regarding a short video interview excerpt with me that was posted on the internet taken from a TV show for young people (kind of like MTV) in Poland where I was asked to address 8 to 11 year old kids on terms that they could understand about jazz.

While enthusiastically describing the virtues of this great area of music, I was encouraging the kids to find and listen to some of the greats in the music and not to get confused by the sometimes overwhelming volume of music that falls under the jazz umbrella. I went on to say that I think that for instance, "Kenny G plays the dumbest music on the planet" -- something that all 8 to 11 year kids on the planet already intrinsically know, as anyone who has ever spent any time around kids that age could confirm -- so it gave us some common ground for the rest of the discussion. (ADDENDUM: The only thing wrong with the statement that I made was that I did not include the rest of the known universe.)

The fact that this clip was released so far out of the context that it was delivered in is a drag, but it is now done. (Its unauthorized release out of context like that is symptomatic of the new electronically interconnected culture that we now live in -- where pretty much anything anyone anywhere has ever said or done has the potential to become common public property at any time.) I was surprised by the Polish people putting this clip up so far away from the use that it was intended -- really just for the attention -- with no explanation of the show it was made for -- they (the Polish people in general) used to be so hip and would have been unlikely candidates to do something like that before, but I guess everything is changing there like it is everywhere else.

The only other thing that surprised me in the aftermath of the release of this little interview is that *anyone* would be even a little bit surprised that I would say such a thing, given the reality of Mr. G's music. This makes me want to go practice about 10 times harder, because that suggests to me that I am not getting my own musical message across clearly enough -- which to me, in every single way and intention, is diametrically opposed to what Kenny G seems to be after.

feuds | insults | jazz | music

January 19, 2006

And this amazing hat also prevents stuttering brainlock!

So Laura and I were walking across town on 9th Street on a recent frosty evening—Tuesday just past, to be precise—our arms laden with new purchases and our minds casting ahead to the pleasures of an evening at the Kettle of Fish on Christopher Street in the company of our CD Mix of the Month club cohort, when we spied a spasm of utter disgust and contempt twist the features of a squat, portly pedestrian approaching and about to pass us on our right.

For a moment I wondered what horrific sight or gut-churning smell it might be that had made such unholy handiwork of this Andy Richter–looking fellow's fat face, but all became clear when the porcine perambulator spat these words with a venom that would not Mad Bomber Hat have disgraced a slithering specimen of Naja nigricollis nigricincta"What is that on your head?"

Ah. Owing to the evening's chill, I proudly sported my infamous Mad Bomber Hat1, tugged snugly down around my ears. Lined with genuine and luxuriant lapin fur, this toasty headgear never fails to elicit hearty compliments from more discerning critics (as, in fact, it did not much later that evening). Never before, however, had an imprecation of such vehemence been hurled at my innocent chapeau.

Needless to say, such churlishness could not be allowed to pass unchecked. Shrugging off my shock, I turned as the surly stranger passed and sent this salvo sailing over my shoulder:

"It's the last guy who said that to me."


1 A much-beloved gift of the esteemed [info]bobhowe some few holiday seasons past. So called on account of the manufacturer, but possessed of added resonance due to certain of my past legal entanglements.

2 The accompanying photograph of Ella and me, snapped by Laura on the Upper East Side early last year after a morning stroll through the Gates at Central Park, is also featured as November's offering in the Ella-Vation 2006 12-month calendar—still a timely purchase and readily available for your online-ordering pleasure at Lulu.com.

comebacks | hats | insults | rejoinders

September 30, 2005

But it *is* a life sentence

Saw a kid on the subway the other day wearing a great T-shirt:

STUPIDITY IS NOT A CRIME... ...so you're free to go.

insults | nyc | subway | t-shirts

William Shunn

About insults

This page contains an archive of all entries posted to Inhuman Swill in the insults category. They are listed from oldest to newest.

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