Perry Slaughter

Refreshing

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When life gives you lemons, extract the citric acid and spray it in life's eyes.

Motion

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It's not the size of the boat—it's the whammo of the ammo.

Gee, Rocky

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Squirrels rule the early morning streets. I have to pay a tribute of Cheetos just to retrieve my paper from the stoop unmolested. Damn those orange-pawed monsters!

Jammed keys

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I have an intimate relationship with my typewriter. That makes it difficult to keep the roller clean.

To do

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My life pretty much depends on making a to-do list, but I kept forgetting to put it on my to-do list.

          

I call it the Horse Latitudes Diet. It worked for me. Just limit yourself to two per day.

Scars

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It's no accident my voice sounds like this. It's takes a special kind of man to get a brand on his vocal cords.

Horizons

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I hate flying. I have ever since my father threatened to let go of the kite string.

Piping hot

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Children are terrific. Especially with a nice pomegranate glaze.

Attend

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The only education worth a damn is self-education.