November 1996 Archives

Brother Smith was commissioned to write the following theme song for the pilot of the failed television sitcom “All in the L.D.S. Family.” Fortunately for us, the lyrics have survived.

Sung to the tune of the “” theme

[Scene: A middle-class living room in the Celestial Kingdom, Joseph and Emma seated at the piano.]

Joseph: Boy, the way I prophesied—
Emma: Stretched the truth and sometimes lied—
Joseph: Chased the girls until I died—
Both: Those were the days!

Emma: You kept reinventing God—
Joseph: No one even thought it odd—
Both: Everyone should have some suckers
Just like those to defraud!

Joseph: Didn’t need no Golden Plates—
Emma: Only wanted to create—
Both: Nauvoo's theocratic state—
Those—were—the—days!!

Brother Smith writes: "I've been working on a few other parodies, of which I offer one here. It's a possible door approach for musically inclined elders."

Sung to the tune of “”

Fed up with watching football on TV,
Sick of religious search?
Come join the One True Church, my friend,
Come join the One True Church!

You'll be a god running worlds of your own,
You'll have a privileged perch,
Come join the One True Church, my friend,
Come join the One True Church!

Who needs to drink?
(Who needs to think?)
Our way of life is past comparing—
Check the underclothes we're wearing!

Our prophet has his own hot line to God
(Whose politics are John Birch)
Come join the One True Church, my friend—
Don't get left in the lurch, my friend—
Come join the One True Church!!!

Here we present the hymn wherein Smith’s parodic brilliance first made itself manifest. It concerned an exchange with a “conserned” reader in Voices from the Dust.

Sung to the tune of “” (a.k.a. “To Nephi, Seer of Olden Time”)

To William Shunn, the Web’s Babe Ruth,
Came e-mail rather odd,
Wherein a callow Mormon youth
Brought up the Iron Rod.

chorus
Give up the Rod, the Iron Rod,
Find something else to do.
The Iron Rod is a big restrictive fraud,
It’s way past time you knew.