Inhuman Swill : Spam

Reflections on spam

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Can you imagine how difficult it would be to do anything with an anaconda in your pants?

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Spam span span span

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One day last week I cleared out my spam filter at exactly noon and checked it again at noon the next day. I wanted to see how much spam I would receive in a 24-hour span.

890 emails. O why do the spam gods not turn their bountiful gazes elsewhere?

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Junk mail?

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It is a measure of the vileness of much spam that when I get one entitled "Increase your business," I'm not sure whether I'm being offered a direct-marketing service or penis enlargement.

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Lovely spam, wonderful spam

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I've noticed a new flavor of spam slipping through my filter today. Is it similar to the Nigerian scam, or is it even more dangerous? Check this out:

Subject: How are you? Date: Fri, 16 Feb 2007 08:45:28 +0500

Hello!!!

How are you? My name is Nadejda. I am 26 years old. I live in Russia, city Yoshkar-Ola. I am cheerful woman, and like to do many things as sport, camping, go to the cinema, theatre etc. In a word I like to do all what like all people. I work in marketing structure on sale of cosmetics. My dream this travel abroad. I know the english language well enough.. I began to study english language approximately one year ago. I wish tell to you history which have pushed me write to you. 8 months ago I have got acquainted with the man from other country by name Justin. During this time we had good relations. We have understood that our relations become serious and we have decided to meet in his country. I wrote the application for reception the visa. I waited reception of the visa approximately half of year. All time I kept in touch with Justin through the internet and often called to each other. I and Justin waited reception of the visa to our meeting. I have received the invitation from the ambassador for reception of the visa. My director has given me long-term holiday from work and I have gone to Moscow to receive the visa. I informed good news to Justin, but he has answered, that does not want our meeting. He played with me. He has informed that has the wife with two children and at all has no plans to meet me. I was not ready to such turn of events. I could not think what even after 8 months of acquaintance he can so unscrupulously act with me. Now I am in Moscow trip to Moscow and reception of visa. I do not want that all was gone for nothing and will be glad if my visa will be useful to our meeting. I could arrive already through 4-5 days, but a problem in that that now I have no man which would like my arrival. Probable it will silly sound but if you will be interested in a meeting with the good woman I shall like to meet you sometime soon! As Justin was dishonest with me I have decided to find the man which is interested to meet the woman from Russia. I do not know your ideas about my letter, but it would be fine if we could meet and have some weeks or months together. On my trip I want to receive rest from my work and a life in Russia. Also the basic purpose for the future it is search good men for serious attitudes which go to a marriage. I have no children, but I want to have children in the future. I am the mature woman and ready to creation of family with good man. I do not know what you really search in the future but if we could meet I shall be happy to discuss with you more about our meeting. What are you going to do this time? It would be fine if we could meet, do friendship or more than simply friendship. I shall be happy if you also have a free time and we could meet soon. I do not know your interests, but anyhow write to me back and I shall tell to you more about myself. Write to me all that you want. Maybe we have similar plans and it will be interesting to us together.

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The subject lines of spam emails continue to amaze me, particularly one that came over the transom earlier today:

You always wanted to use your penis as a billiards cue.
How do they do it? I mean, they've got my number right there, again! That was always my secret dream. I wanted to chalk my little soldier blue like Braveheart and cleave that rack like a proton splitting a transuranic atom. I yearned to be the Harlem Globetrotters of eight-ball, but, you know, pornographic. And just one guy. And white.

Spammers. Damn.

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My name is Ahmed Abdalla, Director and Board Member,Transparency International ,Kenya. I got your email address from the web directory so I decided to contact you.

Oh, right, that pesky web directory. I keep meaning to get unlisted from that, but I always forget. It keeps getting stolen from my front porch.

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"Your call is important to us. All our associates are busy servicing other customers. Please hold."

In other news, today's top random spam from-field name is "Defeatism J. Beheading." Yeah, that's an email I'm going to hurry to read!

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For your wife’s last b-day you gave her a vibrator because of your hopeless Erectile Dysfunction.

Oh, shit, how did they know that???

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The Accidental Terrorist 30th Anniversary Sale

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William Shunn

About This Archive

This page is an archive of recent entries in the Spam category.

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