When life gives you lemons, extract the citric acid and spray it in life's eyes.

It's not the size of the boat—it's the whammo of the ammo.

Squirrels rule the early morning streets. I have to pay a tribute of Cheetos just to retrieve my paper from the stoop unmolested. Damn those orange-pawed monsters!

I have an intimate relationship with my typewriter. That makes it difficult to keep the roller clean.

My life pretty much depends on making a to-do list, but I kept forgetting to put it on my to-do list.

I call it the Horse Latitudes Diet. It worked for me. Just limit yourself to two per day.

It's no accident my voice sounds like this. It's takes a special kind of man to get a brand on his vocal cords.

I hate flying. I have ever since my father threatened to let go of the kite string.

Children are terrific. Especially with a nice pomegranate glaze.

The only education worth a damn is self-education.