Have you ever noticed the red warning labels on bottles of seltzer?

CAUTION: CONTENTS UNDER PRESSURE. CAP MAY FORCEFULLY EJECT. POINT AWAY FROM FACE AND PEOPLE WHEN OPENING.

While I should probably be angry about this public-health threat—which is tantamount to Canada Dry selling Saturday night specials to American adults everywhere, possibly hoping we'll all kill each other south of the 49th Parallel, at which point they will step in and consolidate their North American soft-drink empire—all I could do in the wake of the incident was laugh. I mean, I shot myself in the head with a bottle of seltzer, for God's sake! The cap bounced off my forehead and hit the ceiling!

At least I know that, when the burglars come again, I have a ready weapon in the fridge.